How To Kiss A Dog: A Lecture Course

If you're anything like me (pray you're not) then the whole time you read the middle-ish part of Eclipse you wondered how in the WORLD Bella could ever get so confused to actually kiss Jacob. So I thought it would be fun to come up with some ways that one could prepare one's self to do such a hateful disgusting act. I'll start...

1. You would most definitely need to be drunk or high, c'mon that's a given.

2. You would have to pour acid into your eyes so you wouldn't have to see Jacob's face as close up as Renee (hospital scene) just moments after being with God, I mean Edward (easy mistake.)

3. You'd have to inject large quantities of novacaine inside your mouth so you'd be numb to Jacobs icky darting tongue

4. You'd have to b*tch slap yourself silly before the director calls "rolling" (if that's what they even say).

5. You'd have to be under the influence of Jasper's calming-Xanax power.

6. You'd have to like it rough.

7. You could tape a cut-out picture of Edward on his face and pretend it's him you're kissing.

8. Spray him with cologne to try and disguise the "dog" smell.

*laughing* I'm still trying to get over the "you'd have to like it rough" comment. I know you've read Breaking Dawn. When are we going to do a post on that? ;)
*deep breath* Okay, back to the unpleasant task at hand:

9. Dump him in the Pacific Ocean for a while so lips are pale white and cold as ice.

10. Tie a NY Strip steak around your neck so "he looks at you like you're something to eat."

11. Remind yourself that it could always be worse: You could be kissing Mike Newton.

12. Or even WORSE, Jessica Stanley. ;)

Sorry, but Spank does not deal with such hypotheticals. She would rather spend her time thinking about the many ways she can be sucked by a vampire than to ever imagine having been kissed by a dog.

New Moon: How We Scene It.

In the event Spank's telepathic efforts to influence the scriptwriting for New Moon doesn't actually work, we felt we should talk about what MUST be in the movie. What scene, moment, or character do you need to see? Here are some of our choices:

Since it is much easier to say that I could do without the immense pain of loss I felt from Chapters 4 through 12 (or spending so much time with that mangy dog) I am going with the solid choice of when the Cullen's vote on Bella becoming a vampire. Seriously, I think Melissa Rosenberg can just copy and paste all of it into the script and take a nice long nap. Who among us doesn't want to see that all play out? I cannot wait for Edward to bellow at Bella, "No! No! NO! Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?" The whole scene is a chess match; ripe with fierce determination, gripping tension and even a little bit of emotional chaos. Oh, and the dog-hater in me also wants to see Edward say to Jacob, "I'm here until she orders me away" and Bella following that up with "Never!" Eat that, dog.

I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I have to admit that I can't wait for chapter 3, THE chapter that broke my heart and left my jaw dropped for hours (til the part when Jacob and Bella pull up to the house and the black Mercedes is there - LOVED THAT). I'm dying to see the break-up played out on screen - I think Rob is going to do such an amazing job that it will feel like it's happening to me (it kinda is, right). It will make his return all the sweeter. Plus, who doesn't want to see him hurt KS, I mean Bella?? ;) My other favorite scene would also be "Vote", but for the part when he gives her the condition of marrying him - pg.540 (yes, it's sad that I know that! You're pathetic too if your on this blog!) And she laughed at him?? Could you imagine that, really, laughing at his marriage proposal!

So eager for eternal damnation.

Ok, my favorite part is where they are holding on to each other for dear life in Italy, walking through the tunnels with the Volturi... cuddling together in the waiting room, waiting until they can leave... cuddling together on the plane. That's my FAVORITE part of the book. They're not speaking about why he left and for a short while neither of them care. They're just holding on to each other.
Spider I can't believe you can't wait to see the break-up. I'm going to be crying the ugly cry when that happens and I'm gonna ask you to hold me. HOLD ME DOWN so I don't run at the movie screen and try to stop Edward from leaving myself.

Well, you guys seem to have taken all the major ones right there! I agree with each and every one of you. I want to feel Bella's loss when Edward leaves and I want to feel her joy at saving him - no matter what the cost. I'm pretty sure they'll keep all that, but I also want the touching moments. I don't want the romance of their reunion to be left out of the script. I want to see them in the woods near the Cullen house (in The Vote) when Edward stops to kiss Bella. I couldn't help but feel that the romance was a bit rushed in Twilight. New Moon needs the softness to be left intact. And all the kissing. My fantasy life would GREATLY appreciate the kissing. ;)

Oh yes Meadow, more soft kisses! And hard ones too! And I'm very excited to think that they don't have the need to put Renee in this one - for crying out loud, I hope not!

We didn't have a need for Buttcrack Santa and yet there he was, so....







*snickers* Buttcrack Santa may be dead but his memory lives on.







RIP, Buttcrack Santa.

More Useless Trivia: Hospital Bed Scene

Caption this: "Waaaaaaa". So let's all talk about our least favorite scene in the movie. I hate it slightly less now that I know what was going on behind the scenes. Word got to her agent that Kristen was being a PITA (Pain in the Ass) on the set and was having an attitude (surprise, surprise) and was being difficult to work with. Her agent told her mom. As soon as her mom found out, she called Kristen. Kristen was in the hospital bed, ready to film when her mom called. So they had to stop shooting while Kristen's mom SCREAMED at Kristen on the phone (in front of everyone). She apparently really chewed her out (according to my spy who was there witnessing it). And it was an uncomfortable situation for everyone. Apparently Kristen was crying and everything. Then, after the phone call, Kristen did that scene. So that might account for her little studdering freak out when Edward said he was leaving. I still don't like the scene, but I don't hate it as much now that I know the background story.

Spank's question to Kristen about this scene is posed in a way that probably only Miss Stewart can understand:"What? Are you se, NO! No... Ah, How? I, No... how? I don't even know you're say-. How? What are you - what are you - what are you talking about?"

The background story here softened me up for all of 30 seconds, and now I'm right back to where I began: Wanting to smack Kristen upside the head. Followed by a good swift kick at Catherine Hardwicke for allowing that to be final cut. Honestly, sullen and irritated Kristen from the rest of the movie would've been an improvement. How bad could the previous takes possibly have been??

Tubes, head positions different for Edward in different shots, unflattering close up shots of Mom, and let's not forget the stammering. This has all been mentioned above. I don't want to discuss anything but love for this movie or him. But c'mon.... man. There are parts (ok, one) of this scene that I LOVE! Who doesn't want him to say; "where else am I gonna go?" when looking at that beautiful face. Let alone the strong kiss to her forehead right after!

He had me at "hello, I haven't had the chance to formally introduce myself, I'm Edward Cullen."
Let's just be in love with our movie and forget the flaws (in public) superhero's. Trust me, ya'll know there are a few scenes that are less than perfect. I feel like publishing them to the world is admitting that this is a movie/film. And we all know it isn't! We need to be cheerleaders, not critics! Can I get an E, a D, a W, an A, an R, a D! That's spells... most delicious perfect vampire in history!

Oh, don't worry Spider! None of our comments are a reflection on Edward. Or Twilight. Or our ability to bask in the beauty of Robert Pattinson the cinematography by watching the movie on a constant loop occasionally once it comes out on DVD. So we'll let you be our Resident Cheerleader for Team Twilight Movie. I don't think any amount of goodwill can stop me from bashing discussing Kristen Stewart.



Oh, and I agree. All wasn't lost in this scene. Edward rockin' the hot hoodie in this scene made getting through the magical mystery moving breathing tubes all worth it for Spank.

Hair Raising Concerns!

Spank tried to be all über-cool about Rob cutting his hair at the end of the year. Spank felt in concert with Rob's need to exude some control over his life; to fight the man, if you will. Sure he could have done something less radical but boys will be boys... However with filming for New Moon drawing near, Spank is entering Stage 4 panic mode after reading that human hair only grows, on average, 1/4 inch PER MONTH. I think we can all agree that Edward Cullen with a buzz cut will be a bit of a buzzkill. Thankfully, Spank also learned that one surefire way to stimulate hair growth is to regularly massage the scalp. She knows just the girls for the job...

I've been a bit worried too. If they need to "rug" him it will be a nightmare - even if it looked great, just knowing it was a wig would "wig" me out! About massage... I'm pretty sure his head is getting a good rub down on a daily basis so he may not need the reinforcements (us).




But didn't Rob let his hair get to mammoth proportions before cutting it? It was no where near that long in Twilight. So it might catch up to Twilight length by the time they're shooting. Also... is there a rule that vampires can't grow their hair? If they can grow it (like Laurent and James have appeared to have done... unless one can argue they had long hair before they changed) then they can have vampire haircuts.

The narrative in the books says repeatedly that once a body is "frozen" it doesn't really change. But at the same time the vampires heal and regenerate and also have venom, so I don't know why hair wouldn't grow. I want to go on record as saying that I'm very pro-haircut. I love Robward and RPatz in their own special way. It helps me keep my boyfriends fantasy life straight. Not saying I wouldn't mind if both showed up at the same time... ;)

What's Scarier Than A Non-Veggie Vampire?

Seriously dude. This was the scariest part of the movie for me. If I just woke up out of a coma and saw that, I'd probably go back into a coma from the shock of it. Did they need to have her mom's face so close up? She's way scarier than James was.

Spank felt as though she had been teleported from the movie theater to dental school when she was ambushed by Renee's Extreme Close-Up; or maybe that was just Spank wishing for some novacaine to numb her from having to endure Kristen's hospital bed incoherency...

I think we're seeing the real reason why Bella left Pheonix. Renee would wake her up every morning by sitting on her bed and grinning.

I'm laughing too hard from the comments above to have my own response. It totally freaked me out the first time I saw it, I was like: "whoa, back the camera up - puleeze".

Not that I want to back away from my cheer position, but this woman just bugged the crap out of me throughout the whole darn movie. I'm sorry but I wasn't feelin' it.



Speaking of things scarier than a non-veggie vampire, I'd like to formally apologize to our readers for traumatizing you with the pre-pubescent picture of Robert Pattinson in our previous post. It traumatized us too. In an effort to make it up to you, we have now added a slideshow to our sidebar, consisting entirely of post-pubescent pictures of Rob. All Rob, all day and night. Just like we like it.

Vintage Rob

Is this even legal? This seems wrong. So, so wrong. What is he, twelve in this picture? Ugh. I think I need to take a shower and scrub my brain so I never ever picture Rob like this again.

Oh, Ginger... Why'd you have to go and post this picture right before I go to sleep? You do realize this has singlehandedly ended any hope I had for a really sweet dream tonight.

Ewwww. Don't like this. The only thing remotely interesting is to see where he does or does not have birth marks/freckles. I can use this important new information for other things!

Ick! ICKICKICK! Also, this makes my mom-sense tingle. If he needs a scarf, surely this poor boy needs a shirt/jacket/robe/ANYTHING. Cover poor innocent RP up!

There, I feel better.

Daniel Gale's rainbow sweater meets Edward Cullen's pale white skin and somehow all is right with the world again. Thank you, Meadow.

Yes, once again Meadow has saved the day and made the world a better place with her superhero photoshop skills.

Photo Credit www.edwardandbella.net

Harry Potter and the Attack of the Twilight Casting

A little rumor going around the internet (meaning I heard it or the voices in my head told me about it) is that Tom Felton, the actor who plays Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies is being courted to play Alec in New Moon. We all know he can play evil, but is he the right fit?





Cedric, I mean, Edward can handle him. Wait? What movie are we talking about again?







I smell a conspiracy. Next thing you know we'll hear that the girl who plays Luna Lovegood is going to play Jane and Emma Watson is playing one of the Denali Coven.






... and we find out that Victoria's last name is Weasley.








Oh can we get Snape to play Aro? I think he'd make a fantastic Aro. Of course Victoria is a Weasley with her red hair. Wait... does that mean I'm a Weasley too? I think all redheads are related to the Weasleys.

Poor Spider. She can't participate because she JUST STARTED READING HARRY POTTER LAST NIGHT. She has no idea who we're talking about.

I bet we learn that Sirius Black is now living in La Push. Lupin too.








Lupin's leading one of the packs. After he ate Sam.








Don't forget that Pentrent would be a good choice!







huh?








Just being gay since I'm out of the HP loop. Sorry!

I bet Rob slips up and calls Felton "Draco" instead of "Alec." Maybe he'll need help running lines to get it right. How much is a ticket to Italy?

A ticket to Italy to "run lines" with Robert Pattinson? Priceless.