Saturday, January 31, 2009

How To Kiss A Dog: A Lecture Course

If you're anything like me (pray you're not) then the whole time you read the middle-ish part of Eclipse you wondered how in the WORLD Bella could ever get so confused to actually kiss Jacob. So I thought it would be fun to come up with some ways that one could prepare one's self to do such a hateful disgusting act. I'll start...

1. You would most definitely need to be drunk or high, c'mon that's a given.

2. You would have to pour acid into your eyes so you wouldn't have to see Jacob's face as close up as Renee (hospital scene) just moments after being with God, I mean Edward (easy mistake.)

3. You'd have to inject large quantities of novacaine inside your mouth so you'd be numb to Jacobs icky darting tongue

4. You'd have to b*tch slap yourself silly before the director calls "rolling" (if that's what they even say).

5. You'd have to be under the influence of Jasper's calming-Xanax power.

6. You'd have to like it rough.

7. You could tape a cut-out picture of Edward on his face and pretend it's him you're kissing.

8. Spray him with cologne to try and disguise the "dog" smell.

*laughing* I'm still trying to get over the "you'd have to like it rough" comment. I know you've read Breaking Dawn. When are we going to do a post on that? ;)
*deep breath* Okay, back to the unpleasant task at hand:

9. Dump him in the Pacific Ocean for a while so lips are pale white and cold as ice.

10. Tie a NY Strip steak around your neck so "he looks at you like you're something to eat."

11. Remind yourself that it could always be worse: You could be kissing Mike Newton.

12. Or even WORSE, Jessica Stanley. ;)

Sorry, but Spank does not deal with such hypotheticals. She would rather spend her time thinking about the many ways she can be sucked by a vampire than to ever imagine having been kissed by a dog.


Twilighter Migrah said...

Taylor Quote: "I keep trying to take you seriosly. And then I think: Shark Boy"

Brenda Jean said...

Yes, I cannot get Shark Boy out of my head. Seriously, what were they thinking? When I think of Jacob I picture that scene in Eclipse when he shows up at school, on the motorcycle all 6 foot plus inches, leather, tough looking...that sticks with me. He's suppose to be hot ladies...H O T. Yeah, he's young but Bella says how much older he acts and looks. I hope Taylor can prove me wrong but he's a stinkin puppy.

Spray enough Axe on a kid and you can cover anything, especially dog smell. I have two teens. I KNOW this. Of course then you go into a Axe induced asthma attack. BAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sophie said...

Two words - Dog Breath.

imbeingheldhostage said...

A Puppy's breath is kinda cute, but I'd never want to swap spit with one.

momof3crazykids said...

After reading New Moon the 1st time, I decided I didn't need to read the chapters with no Edward in it when I would re-read. I'm so not a dog person. And yes Spider how could Bella ever kiss Jacob after kissing Edward. I just don't get it.

SpiderLily said...

You know, in the books I would agree- BUT in the film, Taylor is such a sweetie, I couldn't help but love him!
Except, ya know...being he is jailbait :p

Ginger Swan said...

@SpiderLily, you bring up a good point. We're all talking about the Jacob character from the book when we Jacob-bash. But all of us ladies here were on Team Taylor when there was a question of who would play Jacob in New Moon.

Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

Does anyone else notice that Taylor is making a career of playing characters who change into an animal of some sort? I almost feel bad for him. Plus, he has to kiss a cold fish like Kristen Stewart.

Anonymous said...

I <3 this.. and, don't kill me, sometimes wanna have a threesome with jacob and eddie... don't kill me..