Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Letters to Alice by Meadow Cliffdiver






So, one of the things in the movie that I LIKED but feel the need to mock is the whole "Emails to Alice" bit. While I think it was a nice narrative move to help us understand Bella's thoughts, it's so freakin' desperate and sad. Why didn't she just start a LiveJournal like every other depressed teenager? Or, at the very least, why didn't she actually VENT instead of just saying "Alice, I miss you. I miss Edward. I'm staring at kids walking outside my window and thinking about how sad I am." Here are some emails I would have liked to have seen instead:



Dear Alice, today I made out with Mike Newton. Yup. That one. Tell your brother that tongue is the way to go. Bastard.


Dear Alice, I'm thinking of wearing stripes and polka dots. Together. In clashing colors. Just thought you should know.


Dear Alice, my new boyfriend Jacob is always walking around without a shirt. It's really hot. Much better than all that "sparkles-in-the-sun" bullshit.


Dear Alice, I'm considering going goth. I've dyed my hair, painted my nails black, and I found this really great website to order a coffin to sleep in at night. I giggle myself to sleep at the irony.


Dear Alice, since you can see the future, why didn't you see me getting that stupid papercut? Also, what did you wrap that box with? Aluminum foil with decorative razor-blade edges? Thanks for nothing.


Dear Alice, I just thought that you should know that I'm dropping out of school and becoming a groupie. I've decided to follow the band Phish around the country, smoking pot and sleeping with random sound check guys. How's THAT for a distraction?


Dear Alice, F*CK YOU.


Dear Alice, I'm taking Jacob to prom this year. I'll be wearing a hoodie and converse and telling everyone you gave me the outfit. Everyone but Jacob. I'm telling him you sent me the thong. Bwahahaha.


Dear Alice, I'm writing a book about the love that your brother and I shared before he threw it away. I'm calling it "Twilight." The subtitle is "Vampires Have Tiny Dicks." I've already got a publisher. Tell Edward he can have a signed copy.




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23 comments:

Miss Deidre said...

Disturbingly funny ... thank you!

Susan said...

Meadow, this made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. Thanks! (really)

HappyCork said...

Well, it is only 10.37am and already I was having one of the worst days in a long long time. Slept in, anything thing that could go wrong has gone wrong and got upsetting news about 20 mins ago. Then I logged on. And saw this.

Thanks
You legend!

twilighter_87 said...

LOL :D
These emails rock!
thx for the laugh and very well written emails Meadow.

Spank Ransom said...

My fave? Dear Alice, F*ck you. Ahh, so many ways that one can be used.

... And you all should know: Meadow just randomly came up with these in a thread and it turned into a feature post. She really is this quick witted, funny and sarcastic. Just a few of the countless reasons I love her as a League partner, and friend.

BeCullen said...

OMG that was funny.

MM said...

((: [:
Actually last night I was thinking about something similar
Brilliant minds think alike

Ilaria said...

Today's post is one of those you can't read at work, cause you start laughing out loud like a megalomaniac and people can only guess "what's up with her?".

Bravo, Meadow!!
Yeah, I would have loved to see this kind of side in Bella. And I always asked myself, wtf Alice, why didnt you see then accident prone person getting a papercut? yeah, right right, because "she didn't decide that". Whatever!

Jodie said...

OMG! Meadow you crack me up. LOVED THOSE... Made my break at work so much more fun.

Diane said...

bwahahahahaha!

You're awesome Meadow!

I remember when you were the sweet more quiet one of the group. I think fanfic has brought out your inner smut talking sailor. I love it!

Desiree said...

That is hilarious!!! Awesome post! I have always wondered why Alice never saw the paper cut coming...and I always wished Bella would have been at least a little angry with Edward about leaving (sure, he left 'to keep her safe' but jeez! what about asking her for a change?!).

Cheryl said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! I wonder how fast the Mike Newton email would have gotten Edward back there.

dazzledbyhim said...

You are hilarious!!! I loved the making out with Mike Newton one and Jacob having his shirt off... those were awesome! Yes, I think she should have been a little more mad... I get being sad too, but I'd be pissed at the same time!!!

Picksee77 said...

This is too funny! I do really wish Bella woulda strapped it on and gotten angry at some point-not just glum. These are awesome!

theEvilAngel said...

That. Was. Great :)

Rachael1042 said...

Dear Alice, bite me.

Dee Martin said...

loved this :)

Anonymous said...

Hellarious. Loved this. How about Alice, hot beef brauts are better than frozen hot dogs. Pass that on to your brother. BTW tell him I'd be more than happy to thaw him out because I'm his biautch I can't help it. UGH!

~Edwardschewtoy

Richard said...

new moon movie of twilight saga charmed me much ! its great watching twilight new moon !!

http://www.twilightnewmoon.info

Meghanface said...

I. JUST. DIED.

silvertwi said...

This was just pure genius. I love the goth one (of course).

- Kat

Abigail said...

OME, that was an EPIC post! ROFLMAO!! I wanna bookmark it and read it whenever I get cranky!

Jackie said...

Best post EVER!!! It doesn't get any better or more Epic than this. You are awarded my eternal respect.